Quibbles Part 3 Starring Orville Redenbacher

The BakerMuse repository for quibbles is beginning to crack at the seams, so I am getting a rid of a few. Quibbles are those small psychic disturbances that don't warrant a trip to the psychiatrist but do have a gnat-like ability to annoy. So, here's the latest in quibbletry:

1. Dead Celebrity Spokesperson. Orville Redenbacher was to popcorn what George Washington Carver was to the peanut. He died in 1995 after suffering a a heart attack in his Jacuzzi. Well, like Lazarus he has been resurrected via computer graphics to shill for his gourmet popping corn. Maybe it's me, but this is a 4.0 on the creepy Richter scale. Frankly, he resembled a geekish cadaver when he was alive, so his new incarnation is as zombie pitchman makes it even more horrific. I'm going back to Jiffy Pop.

2. The Piano in Public. I have made a monk-like vow never to visit a place where the general public has access to a piano. I was visiting someone in the hospital recently and there was a baby grand in the lobby. A man strolled up the piano and began playing Beethoven's Fur Elise. The first few notes were beautiful. The next note was the musical equivalent of two sets of nails on a blackboard. I think it may have caused a code blue on the top floor. This was followed by two kids playing chop sticks.

3. Breaking News. The local news has perfected the art of bait and switch. "Could the food in your refrigerator be killing you? Get the full story at 11."  So, while I'm snacking on the mock-apple pie made with Ritz crackers, I wait.  25 non-spellbinding minutes later, the station reveals that the culprit is a rare seaweed condiment found near a remote island off the coast of Borneo.

4. Hummer People. If you're patrolling the Australian outback for a rabid Kangaroo, tagging wildebeests in Kenya, or shopping at the Baghdad Mall -- this is the vehicle for you.  But if you're  latte sipping, scone dunking, Blue Tooth ear-wearing commuter, then maybe you should rethink the Schwarzeneggermobile.  I once saw a Hummer fill up with a $100 worth of gas, drive 50 feet and run out of fuel. 

5. James Taylor Concerts.   Actually, I'm a big fan.  I've been to five James Taylor concerts and loved them all.  The problem is the audience. Last time I saw James, I was wearing boat shoes with no socks, Khaki colored shorts with a leather weaved belt and an IZOD knockoff.  The problem was that everyone else was wearing the same outfit.  Even the women. Basically, I was attending the concert with 1000 versions of me. Not a pretty sight. 

6.  Advice from old people.  Every year, the media finds a person who's having a Smucker's birthday,  The person has defied the odds and reached 100 years.  Typically, they'll be asked "What's the secret to your longevity?"  I am always hoping it's something profound. Something you'd expect from Socrates or the late Billy Carter.  But usually it's "I drink a two bourbons a day and I chase cats."