The Man Code. Decoded.
Sunday, October 21, 2007 at 08:21PM Men, we have a problem.
We have become the Nixon Whitehouse. Leaks everywhere. Some nefarious men have broken from tradition and are revealing The Man Code. Some call it the the bible of XY chromosome behavior. But in dribbles and bits, some of this sacred information is being doled out to the mass media.
Unforgivable, I say.
This is like Carly Simon telling the world who's so vain. It's like Coke giving away "the formula." It's Colonel Sanders spilling the beans on the 11 secret herbs and spices.
I thought about clogging our Nation's capital with throngs of men carrying Stop The Leak signs and banners. But I think the adult diaper industry owns the copyright. Well misinformation is more harmful the male cause, than the facts. So, I will reveal the first ten commandments of The Man Code to set the record straight.
1. Thou shall not slather sun tan lotion, sun block or any gooey substance of any kind on another man's back. (Note: Men would rather fry like an egg and suffer third-degree burns than ask a friend to put it where the sun does shine.) 
2. Thou shall not put your beach towel within 2 yards of another man's towel. (Note: If a man puts his beach towel down first, that's his territory. You are obligated to put your towel at least 2 yards or more away. But you can't put it too far away because you'll violate the "conversation zone." As the second toweler, you are the one who has to make the move into listening range.) Note: If you bring food to the beach, coolers are ok, picnic baskets a no no.
3. Thou shall not buy another man clothes. (Note: You don't walk into a department store and think "hey, my buddy Frank would love a pair of corduroys, I'll pick these up for him because they are on sale." Or worse. Buying underwear for another man is a sin so heinous that Kevorkian is immediately notified.
4. Thou shall not look anywhere but straight ahead or down at the urinal. (Note: In 1739 talking at the privy was allowed. But under no circumstances are you allowed to look and say "That's quite an Anaconda you've got there." Or Milton Berle would be proud.)
5. Thou shall not hug for any longer than 3 seconds unless you're team has won a championship. (You can hug your dad, an uncle or a colleague at the office if he's been fired, but you still must obey the 3 second code.)
6. Thou shall not cry at any movie without pulling the "A" audible. (Note: You're watching Brian's Song. He's dying. If a tear starts forming in your eye, you say "Damn, my allergies are back." Same goes for the Movie Pride of the Yankees when Gary Cooper tells the crowd "some people think I've had a bad break. But I consider myself the luckiest man..." Repeat the mantra "Damn, my allergies are back.")
7. Thou shall not tell your friends your wife doesn't want you to have a bachelor party. (Note: this is the supreme test of manhood. You have a choice. Have an angry wife for a lifetime. Or adopt the moniker "wuss" for the rest of your life. The key is timing. You tell your friends you'd love a bachelor party -- pole dancing if possible. Then, three hours before the party, you develop a horrible skin-dissolving infection. Or temporary cardiac arrest. You get to stay home and your buds get a free party.)
8. Thou shall not wear a thong or speedo at any time. (Note: This goes under the category of WTMI (Way Too Much Information).
9. Thou shall not violate the Man Code "Code of Secrecy. " If a man tells you a secret you're allowed to tell your wife or significant other. And if the man says "don't tell anyone, I mean it," this allows you to tell your wife or significant other as long as you tell your wife or significant other that it is a secret. But if a friend says, "if you tell anyone I will put you head first into a wood chipper," then you can't tell your wife. But she will know you're hiding something and you have two options 1) tell her a fake secret or 2) take acting lessons and then tell her a fake secret she'll believe.
10. Thou shall not reveal the 10th Man Code Secret.
humor 
Reader Comments (4)
u should call it the homophobic code.
Great idea, but will this work over the long run?
Annika:
Probably not. But we men really don't have a long term plan.
Thanks for reading.
Well men don't forget to wear sunscreen though. Even though I agree with this article don't slather it all over the back of another man. I personally use Heliocare sun care which I read up on "kiwi drug." Once a day pill and I don't have to worry about this "code" lol