My Christmas List Revised

Every year on Christmas Eve, the local TV station will send a crew to the mall to interview panic stricken men who are frantically searching for a gift before closing time.  They usually grab what's ever closest to them -- a tie in the shape of giant flounder. Or whatever is left at Hickory Farms -- usually a basket of foreign cheeses even the goat regrets. For those of you out there that wants to buy me a holiday gift, I have a smarter solution.  It's a list of gifts I really don't want.

 #1.  Tater Mitts

I think this was invented by a disgruntled GI weary of KP duty. You just don a pair of what looks like a pair of blue loofas and get medieval on those spuds. Then, while you're wolfing down the promised "mounds of mashed potatoes," your Tater Mitts are a sitting ducks for virtually any microbe that ambles by. 

#2.  The Hillary Nutcracker

Frankly, I'm the kind of guy who likes his nuts post cracked. But if you're the kind of person who buys the kind of nuts you need a diamond cutter to open, this Hillary is for you. Just squeeze her stainless steel thighs and you'll pulverize any nut that stands in her way.  This explains Bill's frequent trips to the hospital for "heart" ailments.

 
#3   The Custom Coffin

Now here's a dignified way to go. Have the funeral home pack your carcass into a casket that looks like a very bad knockoff of a Nokia wireless phone. Now you can tell St. Peter, "sorry, I gotta take this call."

#4.   The Slanket

This looks like a Monk's robe designed by folks from Project Runway.  If I got the Slanket I would take a vow of silence.

#5    The Composting Toilet

This is the potty version of the Hybrid electric car. Basically it turns do-do into to-do stuff you can put in your garden. A friend of mine bought one of these and pointed out his robust tomato plants.  At dinner, I had to feign a stroke to avoid eating  his "home grown" tomatoes.  He calls the "end product" aerated fertile organic humus, I call it eeeewwww.