Aging Disgracefully

I made a huge mistake recently.  In a brief flirtation with vanity, I purchased a magnifying mirror.  I bought it because I received an electric razor as a gift and I wanted to achieve the Harry Hamlin -- a permanent five o'clock shadow.  In some social circles it's known as the Flintstone.  This mirror was so powerful it makes a single pore look like the Mariana Trench.  At 6X magnification you can actually see your skins cells die only to be reborn as  liver spots.

Frankly, when it comes to my face, I'm not a fan.  I once accused my parents of genetically engineering the worst two strands of DNA they could find to form my face.  To create a horrible and disturbingly lingering visual for you, I can tell you I am a cross  between Danny Kaye and  Nathan Lane after a 3 day binge. 

For starters, I've developed what I call the Statler and Waldorf.  Suddenly, deep lines have formed from both sides of my lips headed down to the chin.  In other words, a  ventriloquist's dummy.  

Truth be told, the Baker clan doesn't age well.  At 40, we begin to self-destruct on a cellular level.  Add this to a massive metabolism shut down and you've got what plastic surgeons  call a real money pit.

Naturally, I immediately made my way to the super-mega-pharmacy hunting  for serums, moisturizers, unguents, ointments, humectants, lubricants, balms, creams, wipes and puffs. 

There were four aisles of hope.  

Exotic stuff like eye lifting serums, thermal skin polishers, tone enhancers, night recovery treatments, deep penetrating foam, intense hydrating cream, and pore redefining scrub, shea butter, co-enzyme Q10 and copper.

The smaller the bottle, the higher the price.  My fear was  that my eyes would look seven years younger -- but my the rest of me would look like  a Komodo Dragon.  So I put away the corrective foaming protective redefining  hydrating balm.  Then,  I returned home, gazed  in the mirror and noticed  the Rose Kennedy dowager’s hump growing on my back.

Thanks mom and dad for the DNA.

Comments

[like q]

funny stuff.
getting old, a topic of recent discussion. its doesn't look good, that's for sure. 40 isn't so bad a self life, you outlast a ford!

[Marty Baker]

I was just happy to outlast a Pinto. Thanks for writing