Bed Bath and Way Beyond

Men, if you want to see your testosterone plummet like Crispin Glover's career, just stroll into your nearest Bed Bath and Beyond. There are certain words men shouldn't know. Like coverlets, dust ruffles, ramekins and Vera Wang 8-ounce Crystal Flutes. The mere mention of these words will automatically turn us into zombie-like Stepford husbands. The rule of thumb is -- every visit to Bed Bath and Beyond needs to be compensated with three trips to Home Depot. There's nothing like router bits, hacksaws and a Husky Pro 33-Piece Ratcheting Magnetic Screwdriver Kit to set things right in the male universe.

So why do I know so much about Bed Bath and Beyond? I bought a Tassimo Coffee Machine. The gift of the coffee gods. I can almost feel the warm breath of Juan Valdez and that donkey on my neck. Espresso in less than 20 seconds. The problem is you have to buy the coffee pods. Bed Bath and Beyond seems to have a monopoly on the pod variety -- so like sirens singing to a doomed ship, I reluctantly return to this den of estrogen to purchase more of this demon pod.

Here's my problem. After you buy the pod, you are seduced by the set of espresso cups conveniently placed nearby. It's the domino effect. Suddenly you're buying "accessories" -- a coffee-themed clock, large mouth cappuccino cups, a gilded spoon for sugar, and of course, the ever popular framed portrait of Mrs. Olsen. It gets worse. To afford this addiction, you begin to rifle through the Sunday paper for coupons. 20% off any purchase. You begin plotting to steal your elderly neighbor's paper for the BB and B coupon. It gets worse. Now you're clipping coupons. Testosterone is being systematically leeched from your pathetic, coupon clipping, coffee sipping, dust-rufflian, Vera Wang body.

Well, I gotta go. Bed Bath and Beyond is having a clearance sale. Doors open at 9.