Procrasticise!

It'll all started innocently enough.  I grabbed three bags of groceries and started walking up two flights of stairs to my apartment.  Halfway, I stopped -- desparately in need of a Sherpa and an oxygen mask.  Like Sir Edmund Hillary, I bravely carried on -- making it to my personal Everest, a nice little hovel that is quickly becoming a rest home.

I took a good look in my magnifying mirror (see Aging Disgracefully) and realized that if you add two tusks, you'd have a Sea World Exhibit.  Obviously, it was time to go to Defcom 4, which in my family is called exercise.  So, I grabbed a Crispy Cream from the grocery bag and set out to create a personalized exercise regimen that would melt off the pounds off like a glacier in the age of Global Warming.

In my younger years, I was thin as a Whippet. You could actually see my ribs. I had the body fat of a Romanian gymnast.Now cut back to present day: I've  strategically placed a statue of Buddha in the bathroom just to have a benchmark of how well I'm doing.  I stopped exercising about six months ago because the equipment was becoming a burden.  No the exercise machines, the personal do dads that made life bearable on the treadmill.  I had an IPOD, a set of ear phones, a heart monitor strap, a squeeze bottle of water, and a shirt that read "My other body is an athlete." Frankly, I looked like Don Knotts in the Reluctant Astronaut.

 I even tried free weights.  The problem with free weights is that most of people using them look like they belong in The Mr. Universe Pageant or in a prison gang.  So, I moved on to circuit training.  This involved doing "reps" on 10 large and expensive machines.  The bugaboo in this method is that you have to remember your individual settings.  Typically, I will get the machine after a 80-year-old.  She will have the bench press set at 150 pounds.  I have to slip it back to a more manageable 50 pounds.  Ever been taunted by a 80-year-old with bulging muscles? It's enough to drive you to an all-you-can-eat buffet. 

 Then came the new rage -- Pilates.  My task was to strengthen my "inner core."  Well, my inner core looks and feels like a Twinkie.  It's like doing a permanent sit up.  Walking is no picnic either.  I usually run into people walking their dog -- to a dog, I look like like large bag of kibble.  So,  I finally devised my own program -- it's called Procasticise.  I've already lost 5 pounds, just thinking about what exercises to actively avoid. 

 
Try it and you too, could have a body like mine.