Quibbles: Part 2 Clinical observations from the bottom of the musical instrument food chain

In the musical firmament there are many instruments that shine like mighty Sirius.¹ The sublime violin.  The noble French horn.  Even the petite piccolo commands respect.  But there are some instruments doomed to dwell in musical purgatory.  You know these instruments.  Some of you may even own these instruments. But like the crazy uncle who is doing a nickel at the local penitentiary, we don't bring them up in conversation.  So here is my updated list of the instruments that squeak, rattle and wheeze their way around the bottom of the musical food chain.

 The Spoons.  How boring must a meal be to encourage the use of kitchenware as a musical instrument?  In the days when there were only three channels on your TV, you'd have to sit through a variety act featuring a man playing the spoons. Two minutes into the performance, the entertainer would get a swell of applause by banging the spoons against various body parts.  A wound is not an instrument.

The Kazoo.  Created by a man called Alabama Vest and manufactured by a German clock maker named Thaddeus von Clegg, the kazoo made its first appearance at the Georgia State Fair in 1852.  Basically, it sounds like a pair of flatulant bees.  Along with the Bobby Goldsboro tune "Honey" the Kazoo has been classified as an effective interrogation device.

The Zither.  The zither is string instrument used mainly in German-speaking Alpine Europe cultures.  Basically, it's the lederhosen of instruments. Orson Welles used the zither for the opening scene of the classic film noir The Third Man.  Regrettably, the sound was the primary cause of Orson's infamous 20-year eating binge.

The Jew's Harp.  This instrument is a lamellophone.  Which roughly translated means awful sound.  Beware of any instrument that comes with this warning: "can cause permanent fractures to the teeth."

The Bagpipe.  I know I will loose many of my Scottish and Irish readers by slighting the bagpipe, but basically it's a tartan-covered chimney bellows.  Remember, this instrument is from the same clan that brought us Haggis. A dish  normally made with the following ingredients: sheeps heart, liver and lungs minced with onion, suet and spices traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately an hour.

Happy listening.

1.  Brightest star in galaxy.  Yes, even I had to look it up.  Wikipedia.  Frankly, I just wanted to sound smart.