Bourne Again, the Movie

Last week, I went to see the Bourne Ultimatum.  I use the word "see" because frankly, I didn't hear one word of it. But I did hear the life story of the couple behind me.  I found myself suffocating on the sheer weight of a tsunami of the banal.  It was like listening to a dial tone for 2 hours.  Matt Damon is running through the streets of Morocco and all I heard was the deafening trumpet-like sounds the teacher made on Peanuts. 

This fountain of babbling started during the slide-show portion of the movie experience.  This is when the movie chain gives you a Movie Quiz intermixed with ads for the local mortuary.  "We're there when you need us."  I'm sure my dying words will be,  I need a mortuary -- use this movie stub for 10% off the deathmaster 5,000 casket.  Anyway, my couple were the only audience members who actually tried to answer this quiz.  Ernest Borgnine won an academy award for what movie?

The male of this couple says "McHale's Navy."  The answer was Marty. My movie going experience went something like this.  First, I mortgage my house so I can afford the combo which -- which includes the street price of milk duds -- $5.50.  Then, I find a seat behind a woman with Marge Simpson hair and then I hear the jarring sounds of "the couple" behind me.  I wish there were a device such situations --a portable electronic muzzle.  Move you say?  The only available see was in the first row -- where you can literally see Damon's tonsils.

Well, the couple finally decided to become fully engaged in the movie.  Which meant that they pointed out the painfully obvious.  "Morocco sure looks crowded."  Then, in a mock Ebert moment, "Who do think is a better actor Matt or Affleck?"  And then, "Isn't that Julie Stiles -- I haven't seen her since that dance movie. What was that movie?  You know, the one where she wants to be a  prima ballerina?" 

It gets worse.

The man decides to move his feet from the floor and press it against my chair.  Suddenly, I'm part of his exercise routine. I turned slightly around to get a glimpse of the couple and noticed he was wearing fatigues and a tattoo with a knife sticking into a heart. Just what I need, a serial killer and his moll.

So, if you haven't seen The Bourne Ultimatum, all I can tell you  is that Matt runs through the streets of Morocco, fights in a Moscow subway, tries to avoid surveillience cameras in London, Julie Siles wants to be a ballerina, Matt has more depth than Ben, wasn't the scientist the same guy that was in Erin Brockovich? And, oh yeah, the Bonnie and Clyde-Natural Born Killers couple just loved the movie.

I think I'll  wait for the DVD.