Songs from Musical Hell

In the 9th circle of hell, there is a radio station that plays just four songs. Songs that are so devastatingly cloying that you want to pull a Van Gogh on both your ears.  These are the kind of songs, that make you want to make Dr. Kevorkian one of your FAVE FIVE wireless friends. So, let's start with my #1 annoying song of all time.

 1.  Killing Me Softly With His Song.  I first heard this song in 1973 and I've been in a coma ever since.  Supposedly, the song was inspired by Don McLean of American Pie fame.  That song was two and half hours long, too.  Here's  what's killing me softly:

"I felt all flushed with fever
Embarrassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life, with his words
Killing me softly with his song"

Texas called, they may use this song instead of the electric chair.  It does the job faster and it lowers the electric bill at the same time. BAKERMUSE BONUS. CURE FOR INSOMNIA.

2.  Send in the Clowns

I admire Stephen Sondheim and I like Judy Collins.  I just don't like them together. "There must be clowns?" I don't think so.  I get the song. A love relationship goes bad and they want a little mirth to ease the pain.  But brightly colored men with squeezable noses and big shoes coming out of a tiny car doesn't do it for me.  This is the kind of song that makes you want to stalk Bozo.

Don't you love a farce?
My fault, I fear.
I thought you'd want what I want.
Sorry, my dear. But where are the clowns.
There ought to be clowns.
Quick send in the clowns.

3.   Having My Baby. 

I will be forever grateful that Paul Anka wrote the theme music for Johnny Carson's Tonight Show.  But even that pales in comparison to "Having My Baby."  For those of you haven't heard the song, here are some of the lyrics.  Yes, when a Hallmark Card won't do..have his baby will do the job. I got diabetes once from listening to this oddly chauvinist song.

"Having my baby,
What a lovely way of saying how much you love me,
Having my baby,
What a lovely way of saying what you're thinking of me

I can see it, your face is glowing,
I can see it, in your eyes I'm happy you know it

That your ,
Having my baby,
Your the woman I love, & I love what it's doing to you,
Having my baby,
You're a woman in love and I love what's going through you.

The need inside you, I see it showing,
Oh the seed inside you,
Baby do you feel it growing,
Are you happy you know it, "

#4.  Feelings
I have a rough history with this song. When I was in college, I worked  at the Eagleton Institute which was a polling organization.  One of my biggest jobs was calling people in the middle of dinner and playing this song for them. (It was for AT&T).  I had to listen to this song over 200 times.  I spent the rest of the Summer with a butterfly net in a place called Happy Acres.  P.S. Since AT&T used it in their commercials the company went into the dumper.

"Feelings, nothing more than feelings,
trying to forget my feelings of love.
Teardrops rolling down on my face,
                                         trying to forget my feelings of love.

Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.
I wish I've never met you, girl; you'll never come again.

Feelings, wo-o-o feelings,
wo-o-o, feel you again in my arms."

So these days I keep a safety pair of ear plugs in my pocket, just in case the ninth circle sends me another song.