What I Learned On My Vacation And Other Terrors Part 2

I've never had good luck with hotels. In the glossy brochure they always sound like the Ritz, in person they are more like the Bates Motel.  I will dredge up a true-life tale from the BakerMuse files to illustrate my hotel adverse history.  In my misspent youth,  I made a reservation at a well-known "romantic" Bed and Breakfast in Lake Arrowhead California.  I was on the pivotal 4th date of a new relationship and thought this would a better alternative to taco night at the local bowling center.

Well, the brochure brought me to tears, Every room was named after a famous couple.  Gable and Lombard.  Astaire and Rogers.  The icing on the romantic cake was that each room also had a heart-shaped Jacuzzi tub for two. Add massive chocolates on the pillow and you're in Hugh Hefner land. It wasn't just a hotel -- this was an aphrodisiac with a floor plan. 

To add a little flame to the fire, I innocently put on the Chris Issac song "Wicked Games" as we entered the town. (The video of this song has been known to cause heavy breathing even in people who've recently died.)  Never has a romantic liaison been so carefully orchestrated.  We arrived at the hotel and the owner takes us to the last available room. We walk by all the wonderful couples and end up in the Laurel and Hardy room.  Yes, LAUREL AND HARDY.  There's a large silhouette of the two of them on the door. And inside -- the walls were filled photos from their movies. 

I didn't have to be a shaman to tell you this was bad mojo.  I'm sorry, was the Pee Herman and Popcorn Room not available?  What about the Rosanne and Tom Arnold Bridal Suite?  I reluctantly tell this tale because it was 4th of July Weekend and the only fireworks that night were over the lake. 

Back to Disney. After landing in Orlando Airport, my fiancée and I boarded a bus called the "Magical Express."  The driver (and this is 100% true) was named Rocky Steel.  ROCK STEEL! This is a name reserved for pro wrestlers and porn stars. I didn't have to be a shaman to tell you this was good mojo.  We arrived at Disney's All Star Music Resort and got our room key.

The resort  is a series of clustered hotel areas with musical theme motifs  -- Jazz, Rock & Roll, Broadway and Country Fair.  We got the Country Fair which is aptly named because it is so far from the lobby/dining area it might have well been in another country.  It's about a 20 minute walk depending on your state of heat stroke.  Well, we arrived at our room and it was # 1313.  I thought "I've traded in Oliver and Hardy for the Manson Family." More salt to the wound --
we didn't face the beautiful guitar shaped pool, we faced the "woodlands."  Which was a Disneyism for swamp area. 

Inside, room was very nice.  My mistake was ordering a small refrigerator (I called it Sybil) that changed personalities overnight and maintained the decibel level of a industrial- sized leaf blower.

Lesson 5.    Avoid Chip and Dale. 

Chip and Dale must be the entry level character for anyone who applies to work at Disney.  There must be 100,000 Chip and Dales to every Donald.  They are everywhere and surprisingly annoying.  We ate at a "character" lunch.  Chip and Dale came by our table and tried to start a relationship with us.  "Are you Chip?"  He recoiled in horror and pantomimed the fact that he was Dale.  Then, Chip came by and we said "Are you Chip?"  He held his paws against his heart and shook his head gleefully "Yes."  This was relatively charming THE FIRST TIME.  Chip and Dale visited our table six more times.  How do you gracefully say, this relationship isn't working out. I'm convinced that the C&D costumes are handed out randomly to street people.

Lesson 6.  Madison is the new Caitlin. Among the 10,000 girls wandering the Disney Parks, 90% of them were named Madison.  Unlike the milder and somewhat well behaved Caitlin's of the past decade, these Madisons are always in trouble.  "Madison, if you don't get out of that fountain, you'll have to eat dinner with Chip and Dale."   I have a solution to the whole naming problem.  There should be quota of names available. Let's say, 1,000 Madisons.  Anyone born in January gets the top picks.  The Justins, the Jasons, the Ambers and Madisons.  Once the quota is filled you have to choose another name.  With my luck, my child will be born in December.  I'll call her Mildred.

Lesson 7.   I love foreigners.  If you travel to Disney World in January, you will find that they enticed hordes of Europeans to visit.  There were people from France, England, Spain, Italy,  Slavic countries you can't pronounce, and of course, people from Wisconsin.  What's wonderful is that most of them seem to lack the embarassment gene.  I saw dozens of 300 pound men at the pool wearing what appeared to be a rubber band for a bathing suit.  These bathing suits make a Speedo look like a Mumu. 

Even in my XL, I felt like Brad Pitt.  But I may have looked like Oliver Hardy.