I need a man purse and other confessions

Many years ago, I was traveling through Turkey and Egypt (See photo at left -- an actual photo of me in Egypt with bad Indiana Jones hat)  and noticed that every woman had a purse hanging from her shoulder or held tenaciously like a toddlers fist around a box of animal crackers.  Was this just universal imitation or were these women hard-wired to drag around 2 pounds of various "necessities."  There are reports of women in the nether regions of the Amazon river wearing nothing but handbags.

Like putting your hand into the mouth of angry Croc -- men fear the inside of a woman's purse.  

There are far too many objects that are unknowable to the average Joe --slim plastic items that can turn am ordinary eyelash into a foot-long spike.  The lips seem to be the nexus of it all -- lip pencils, lipsticks, lip gloss, Chap Stick (both plain and berry flavored) and a variety of mirrors to watch the results. Often, there are emergency food substances --  infinitesimally small packages of crackers, stolen chocolates from hotel pillows, and the ubiquitous bottled water.

My mother had an amazing purse.  You could be bit by a rattlesnake and she would say, "I think I have something for that" and a few minutes of searching through her hand bag would reveal a vile of snake serum along with a picnic lunch and plastic tableware.

Well, my "necessities" have grown exponentially.  I have a cell phone, a Palm PDA, a MP3 player with ear buds, a Nintendo DS Lite, a wallet, notebook, eyeglass case, various writing instruments, a month's supply of Altoids (The curiously strong mint) a digital recorder, a paperback book and a can of my revered Cabot Cheddar Cheese Shake. 

 I either need a utility belt like the construction guy from  the Village People or (gulp) a man purse.

It's been called the Murse,  the "commuter" bag, the male clutch, and the European "carry all."  Hey, even Robert Downy Jr can't pull the look off.  But it goes so well with the plaid hat.  Well, I can't do it. So, here are some of my alternatives.

1)  The Old Spice Sailor Duffle.  (Not the one carried by the new guy who looks like a fashion model, I mean the rugged looking squid  that looks like he just stepped off a tramp steamer after a four-day hangover.

2)  The Fanny Pack.  This is the disco of male accessories.  Nothing says I've given up machismo and become inhumanely domesticated like the fanny pack.  

3)  The Back Pack.  This is an ideal choice if you're a camp counselor or a student.  But a man with a suit wearing a back back is embarrassing especially if Barney's purple face is emblazoned on the pack.

4).  Cargo Pants.  This is the Murphy Brown handyman look.  Essentially, it's a bunch of pockets stitched together to form a pair of pants.

Well, like most men, we will forgo the acessories and stuff (and break) most of these items into our pockets or get a girlfriend or wife to "rent" space in her massive bag.  Isn't romance grand?  Hail to women.