A sociological study of the elderly or Geezer 101

The Bakermuse Department of Applied Geriatrics has kept a scientific eye on our Senior Citizens, our Golden Agers or if you prefer the accepted technical term – Geezers. Our crack team of sociologists and array of computer banks (In the interests of full disclosure it was one unemployed guy named Craig and a clipboard) have arrived at what we consider most complete set of insights on folks who actually knew Teddy Roosevelt personally.

Here are the preliminary results:

1. Below the Steering Wheel Syndrome. No matter how tall they were in their youth, old people’s heads will always sink below the line of the steering wheel. If you look into the car next to your and all you see is hands, chances are a geezer is driving.

2. Plaid and Paisley Do Go Together. This is a true story. When I lived in Los Angeles I met one of my heroes -- the great director Frank Capra (It Happened One Night, It's A Wonderful Life) and he was wearing plaid pants and a light paisley shirt. I think he's earned the right to. But for most male geezers, an outfit is anything you can reach in the closet. The women geezers usually wear something "that sparkles" so we are blinded to anything else. I once saw a a woman that looked like a giant sequin.

3. Complaints as Conversation. Put two elderly men together for more than a minute and you've a complaint-fest. Usually it revolves around ailments. One man says "my goiter is in the Guinness Book of World Records." Goiters are for sissies, try going the bathroom with a 10 lb. prostate." The other doesn't miss a beat -- "at least you can go to the bathroom." It's like chess with failing health as the pawns.

4. The Alien ATM Card. Our advice, never follow a geezer in a check out line or bank machine. They carry the ATM card like it's plutonium.

5. The Handicapped Parking Sticker. To most geezers, getting a handicapped parking sticker is like winning the lottery. It's the Phi Beta Kappa of the non-ambulatory set. The geezer trifecta? Getting a handicapped spot at an all you can eat buffet during the "early bird" hours.