The Upside of Downsizing

How poor am I?  Let me just say that banks are sending me toasters not to open an account.  It's gotten so bad, even pan handlers are returning my spare coins.  And I may be the only person in America who isn't afraid of identity theft because I don't want to ruin their reputation.  So, like a millennial version of Dale Carnegie, I've decided to lovingly embrace the upside of downsizing my life.

While others are cursing the money gods for turning their 401k into chump change, I say to old man recession, "Bring it On."  Here's some uplifting tidbits from poorville, U.S.A.

1.  No more Hummer Envy. 

I used to be in awe of the Hummer.  It was one of the few vehicles that swaggered while parked. It took two tons of steel and technology to carry home a bag of groceries. But now that it takes a small fortune to fill the tank, I feel sorry for the owner. It may be the only form of transportation that gets negative miles per gallon. 

2. No more Sharper Image Fantasies.

Recently I heard that Sharper Image is filing for bankruptcy citing  "a severe liquidity crisis." That's the same line I used on my parents in my lean college years.  I used to dream about the Panasonic Real Pro Ultra Total Body Massage Lounger with it's orgasmic Jenetsu ultra-kneading.  At a mere $4800 it was a bargain.  You could easily massage away the stress of buying beyond your means.  The Ionic Breeze has now become the Ironic Breeze.

3. No need to peruse speciality boutiques. 

Sometime in the 80's, mom and pop stores were replaced by trendy places with names like the "The Velveteen Unicorn" and "The Great Impasta."   Imagine an entire store filled with pasta makers. That's $200 a pop to make doughy bits of semolina.  Then there's the must have items like a faux 17th century coal scuttle with matching tongs.

4. No need to invest in vitamins.

 I used to troll the isles of health food stores like a Jack Lalane on speed.  I once mortgaged my house to buy an organic apple.  My medicine chest used to be filled with expensive bottles of Shark Cartilage,  purified algae micro-nutrients, and the kind of calcium that you can only find on remote Pacific Islands.   It took years to realize that everyone in the store looked like they had a few hours to live.  Now I just buy a box of Total Cereal.

5.  No need to dine at Chez What.

Waiter, I'll think I'll have the Salade de Volaille Malinoise, Croquettes de Volaillle, Rognon Brochettes Cleveland, Salade de Boeuf Campagnarde
Escalopes de Veal Liegeoise and that darling bottle Château Ducru-Beaucaillou 1989.  Oh, and here's my entire wallet -- have at it. 

Comments

[jeff wong]

totally agree. my rule of thumb: never buy anything for more than what it's worth after a year or two.

cars are definitely the worst waste of $$. a 1996 honda accord stick shift gets better milage than any model bmw today.

pretty sad. a car that's over one decade is more efficient than the modern ultimate driving machine. and most ironically the accord will cost $5000, versus a $50,000 BMW.