Das Snoot
Sunday, July 5, 2009 at 11:28AM Achilles had the heel. Joaquin Phoenix has the harelip. Keyser Söze has the limp. And, unfortunately, I have the snoot.
In the facial DNA lottery, I won by a nose.
Sure, my sniffer doesn’t have the sheer girth of the Jimmy Durante,
or the dual bulbusness of the late Karl Malden, or the sweeping longitude of the Adrien Brody, but in the immortal words of the bard, my nose “ ‘tis not so deep as a well nor so wide as a church door but ‘tis enough, ‘twill serve.”
Somehow my parent’s chromosomes combined to create a septum of nearly biblical proportions. So, I have what is called in some nostril circles, the Lee Van Cleef. While other kids in my elementary school wanted to be fire fighters or doctors, I wanted to root out truffles.
My self-imposed moniker was Nostril-damus, because I could foretell the future of my nose. It would outgrow my body in my teens and I would have to wait until my 20s for the rest of the body to catch up. But according to the experts, the nose never stops growing. At BakerMuse, we call that the Dick Van Dyke Syndrome.
This is vintage Rob Petrie vs. the wizened Dr. Mark Sloan of Diagnosis Murder. Perhaps, I could see the irony in DiagNOSIS.
When I was in college, I made plans to move to France. After all, despite his unorthodox honker, Gérard Depardieu became a movie star and a sex symbol. But, I didn't go. I didn’t want to usurp his territory or add on his excess poundage and I didn't have a passport.
Yes, we all have body parts that are the equivalent to the Ford Pintol -- ones that we’re like to toss into a recyling bin or give to competitor in the romance arena.
How important is the nose? 
Well, look how Nicole Kidman nabbed her Oscar in 2003.
Is it any coincidence that Adrien Brody 
with his Preakness-like aquiline nose won in 2002?
Survey says, no.
Well, I have finally made peace with my nose, thanks to Steve Martin. Here is his wonderful rant from the movie Roxanne.
- 1. Obvious: Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face.
- 2. Meteorological: Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
- 3. Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
- 4. Personal: Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
- 5. Punctual: Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen minutes late.
- 6. Envious: Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your own ear.
- 7. Naughty: Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away.
- 8. Philosophical: You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. It's what's in it that matters.
- 9. Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and it's goodbye Seattle.
- 10. Commercial: Hi, I'm Earl Scheib and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
- 11. Polite: Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps changing tempo. 12. Melodic: Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
- 13. Sympathetic: Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
- 14. Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on.
- 15. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides.
- 16. Obscure: Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
- 17. Inquiry: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
- 18. French: Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave.
- 19. Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
- 20. Religious: The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
- 21. Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair.
- 22. Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
- 23. Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee ... in Brazil.
Reader Comments (3)
The one I heard years ago was: Is that your nose, or are you eating a canoe?
Mine's more like a Liberian tanker. Thanks for writing.
Great post :D thanks for featuring my video!! :)
the Vintage Anarchist xXx